Victim of Circumstances? There is a fix for that.

Every Moment Is an Opportunity to Choose Your Action

by Jennifer Rose & Better Existence | January 21, 2015

In a strengths-focused coaching meeting you will be asked to identify good experiences and positive moments. After you identify a good experience from the story of your life, or a positive moment that you noticed one day, you will be asked, What did you do that brought that about? (You can read the rationale for focusing on strengths in last week's blog post.) 

Identifying what you already do that brings about positive moments in your life and adds good experiences to your life story is a powerful tool that transforms the notion that we are victims of circumstances. 

Passivity is a Deeply Ingrained Idea

It takes repeated practice to transform the idea that our circumstances or environment dictate our experience of who we are. Oft repeated identities, such as "I am Chloe and Henry's daughter," "I am a Hudson (family identifications), "I am a Christian" (born into a religious or cultural identity) "I am an American," or "I am a survivor of a traumatic childhood," seem to tell us who we are in very real ways. However, for some people, these identifications become burdensome. 

When identifications become painful, when they do not serve us well, we can detach from our passive acceptance of mainstream ways of self-identification. We can forge our own path. It is a renegade move. It shatters the mold. But it really is not all that difficult. 

Two Ways to Feel Good

A lot of times we are on a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. When we look for positive moments in our lives, we notice two kinds. If we ride the roller coaster, we identify with the highs and lows. Now I am happy. Now I am sad. Things went well for me. Nothing is going my way. One way to feel great is to be on that roller coaster and have things go your way, to get what you want, to experience the highs. There is nothing wrong with being happy when your team wins. Or when your spouse smiles and tells you you are great. Or when they like your post on Facebook. But over-investing in this type of feeling great does not empower us. Even when we are on the high, we are still victims of circumstances.

It is more useful to gain insight into the actions we take that result in good experiences and positive moments. This is empowering because we can repeat these actions. We step out of our habit patterns when we choose our actions. We are empowered to improve the quality of our lives when we choose actions that have our preferred outcomes. No one needs to tell us what outcomes are good for us. Whether we want to feel peaceful, purposeful, blissful, or some other feeling is our own business. We can observe our own lives, our own feelings, and come up with our own answers. 

Having a strengths-focused coach can help. A strengths-focused coach will always hand you your power. 

To Surrender or to Act? 

To put it simply: surrender after you act. 

When we look for the outcomes of our actions, we again hand our power over to the environment or circumstances outside ourselves. Instead, retain your power. Refocus on the new moment, the new opportunity to choose an action. This is not to suggest that you should avoid feeling the sense of peace, purpose, bliss, or whatever else may flow from skillful action. Just do not allow that to become victimhood to the highs and lows of roller coaster living.

Karma

If you do not recognize the principle of karma here, it is because the meaning of karma has been turned inside out. Popular notions of "good karma" and "bad karma" have everything to do with the payback one expects from the environment for "good" or "bad" deeds. That is just the opposite of what is useful. To take responsibility, to become the architect of our lives, as great Yoga teachers like Swami Rama suggest, we need to shift our focus from the external results to the internal causes. Choosing useful actions in each moment is masterful application of the principle of karma. 

Responsibility

Victor Frankl, the author of Man's Search for Meaning suggested that a Statue of Responsibility be built on the West Coast of the United States to balance the Statue of Liberty on the east coast. He did not suggest that the Statue of Liberty be removed, rather he recognized the connection between responsible, skillful action and thinking, and feeling unburdened from external conditions. Frankl achieved this insight when he was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. I try to remember this when I am tempted to hand over control of my feeling state to "circumstances beyond my control." 

It Is a New Skill 

Be patient with yourself as you develop a new sense of yourself. Ask for help, if you need it. It all starts; it all ends with ATTENTION. Notice when you feel good or positive. Reflect on what you are proud of or satisfied with in your life. Notice what has worked. Learn from it. Build on it. 

Okay. Go. 

I am a meditation teacher and a strengths-focused coach.  Get an introduction to meditation from my beautiful 2-Minutes to Meditate cards. They are perfect for people with busy lives, and will help you establish a daily practice that you can then build on. Each card has my contact information in case you have questions.