Focus on Strengths to Stop Shame Spirals

I hope the phrase "shame spirals" means nothing to you. A shame spiral is an uncomfortable thing. I came up with this phrase to describe an unhelpful thing my mind does sometimes. I could have called it a self-condemnation loop. Different things trigger them. In me, they are often triggered by social interactions. That hardly seems fair. What most people would call "having fun" can end for me in sleepless nights of shame spiraling.

I want to set aside the causes of shame spiraling to focus on a solution. So what I am writing here presumes that some rational thought has already been applied to the unhelpful mental activity that is underway. We have already asked ourselves, "Did I make a mistake?" "Can I learn from this mistake?" "Have I done something I had better not repeat?" We have already made a vow to set aside any hurtful behavior in favor of helpful behavior. We have already made a plan to make amends for any real offenses we may have committed. We have done what we can do. But the mind does not let go of the shame. We do not forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes, and move on.

Shame spirals take themselves to be quite important. They aren't. They are silly, useless, imaginary, and a waste of energy. Knowing that does not help. Here is what might help: do the opposite. I can hear the voice of my dear yoga teacher Nishit Patel saying this to me. And my strengths-focus mentor Jerald Forster has given me the formula for the opposite of a shame spiral.

If you notice that your mind has grabbed hold of shame, take a moment to recall something that has gone well in your life. Something from the same day might be nice, but in a shame-spiral emergency, anything will do. Simply recall the details of the experience, and keep bringing your mind back to it. Ask your mind, "What has gone well today?" My mind responds more willingly to questions than to demands. "What has gone well in my life?" If your shame spiral has gathered a lot of momentum, it may be necessary to do this a few times. Once you recall a nice, strong, positive experience, bring your mind back to it if shame returns.

Bringing your focus to a positive experience will bring some relief. To do the opposite of a shame spiral, however, you need one more step. Acknowledge that you contributed something to this positive experience that you are recalling. Suppose you remember a nice trip to the beach. How did you bring this about? Did you make time for relaxation and beauty in your life? Suppose you remember helping a friend. What does that say about who you are? Be specific about the positive qualities in your character that cause good things to happen in your life. Voila! You are doing the opposite of a shame spiral. You may even find yourself doing a self-appreciation waltz. Why not!? If it is convenient, grab a pen and paper and write down the strengths that are coming to your awareness. Mull them over. Find just the right words.

In the Katha Upanishad a chariot is used as a metaphor for a person. The vehicle is the human body. The horses are the senses. The road is the world around us. Consciousness is the driver of the chariot. The reins are the mind. In the event of a shame spiral, use your conscious choice. Grab hold of the reins of your mind. Do not let your reins flap uselessly. Your horses will pull you into a ditch and flip your chariot.

Here are some additional tips. Different techniques will work for different people. Find out what works for you and choose to practice it.

• Engage in an absorbing activity that you enjoy. An active activity. Not a passive one.
• Stay in the present by being aware of your physical body or your breath. 
• Visualize the harsh voice in your mind as a judge. Visualize the judge being merciful.
• Think of someone you know, and imagine the good things you desire for them. 
• Do a random act of kindness, such as buying the coffee for the next person in line.
• Do an act of charity. Or, if you are spiraling out at night, begin to plan a charitable activity. 
• Read something that makes you feel uplifted. 

You've got this!

Second Touchstone of Strengths-focused Coaching: focusing on strengths.

In this short video clip Marcus Buckingham begins to make his case for focusing on strengths. He says that research reveals that 77% of children who bring home a report card with an A and an F grade will receive more attention for failing than for succeeding. In longer sound bites, you can hear him follow up that point with statistics showing that over the course of their lives, the same children will improve more in the area where they received the A than they will improve in the area where they received the F. Let me restate that point. Your potential for growth in your life is in the area of your strengths. Focusing on improving your weaknesses will be frustrating, and bring less growth. Focusing on your strengths will be intrinsically rewarding, and will maximize your growth.

Strengths-focused coaching helps people replace "fix what is wrong" thinking with "maximize what is right" thinking. Strengths inventories like the free VIA are available online, and can help anyone begin to shift their focus. The most transformative way to focus on strengths, however, is to find your own words to describe your own strengths. Strengths-focused coaching guides you to notice your positive experiences, and to articulate the strengths you were using during those moments. By taking the reins of our minds, by choosing and creating our own thoughts, we can transform ourselves. We can overcome the negativity bias that 77% of us were raised with.

Cambridge educated and Gallup poll supported, in some ways Buckingham argues more persuasively for a strengths focus than I ever could. Meanwhile my background in superconscious meditation and Yoga deepen and enhance my appreciation for the usefulness of his message. In my previous blog entry I connected the first touchstone of strengths-focused coaching, noticing when your mood lifts, with the Vedic concept of a satvic, a peaceful and uplifted, mental state. The second touchstone of strengths-focused coaching connects to the value of service. Focusing on our strengths gives us the feeling that we may be of use. That is one of the most inherently satisfying feelings a person can cultivate.