Focus on Strengths to Stop Shame Spirals

I hope the phrase "shame spirals" means nothing to you. A shame spiral is an uncomfortable thing. I came up with this phrase to describe an unhelpful thing my mind does sometimes. I could have called it a self-condemnation loop. Different things trigger them. In me, they are often triggered by social interactions. That hardly seems fair. What most people would call "having fun" can end for me in sleepless nights of shame spiraling.

I want to set aside the causes of shame spiraling to focus on a solution. So what I am writing here presumes that some rational thought has already been applied to the unhelpful mental activity that is underway. We have already asked ourselves, "Did I make a mistake?" "Can I learn from this mistake?" "Have I done something I had better not repeat?" We have already made a vow to set aside any hurtful behavior in favor of helpful behavior. We have already made a plan to make amends for any real offenses we may have committed. We have done what we can do. But the mind does not let go of the shame. We do not forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes, and move on.

Shame spirals take themselves to be quite important. They aren't. They are silly, useless, imaginary, and a waste of energy. Knowing that does not help. Here is what might help: do the opposite. I can hear the voice of my dear yoga teacher Nishit Patel saying this to me. And my strengths-focus mentor Jerald Forster has given me the formula for the opposite of a shame spiral.

If you notice that your mind has grabbed hold of shame, take a moment to recall something that has gone well in your life. Something from the same day might be nice, but in a shame-spiral emergency, anything will do. Simply recall the details of the experience, and keep bringing your mind back to it. Ask your mind, "What has gone well today?" My mind responds more willingly to questions than to demands. "What has gone well in my life?" If your shame spiral has gathered a lot of momentum, it may be necessary to do this a few times. Once you recall a nice, strong, positive experience, bring your mind back to it if shame returns.

Bringing your focus to a positive experience will bring some relief. To do the opposite of a shame spiral, however, you need one more step. Acknowledge that you contributed something to this positive experience that you are recalling. Suppose you remember a nice trip to the beach. How did you bring this about? Did you make time for relaxation and beauty in your life? Suppose you remember helping a friend. What does that say about who you are? Be specific about the positive qualities in your character that cause good things to happen in your life. Voila! You are doing the opposite of a shame spiral. You may even find yourself doing a self-appreciation waltz. Why not!? If it is convenient, grab a pen and paper and write down the strengths that are coming to your awareness. Mull them over. Find just the right words.

In the Katha Upanishad a chariot is used as a metaphor for a person. The vehicle is the human body. The horses are the senses. The road is the world around us. Consciousness is the driver of the chariot. The reins are the mind. In the event of a shame spiral, use your conscious choice. Grab hold of the reins of your mind. Do not let your reins flap uselessly. Your horses will pull you into a ditch and flip your chariot.

Here are some additional tips. Different techniques will work for different people. Find out what works for you and choose to practice it.

• Engage in an absorbing activity that you enjoy. An active activity. Not a passive one.
• Stay in the present by being aware of your physical body or your breath. 
• Visualize the harsh voice in your mind as a judge. Visualize the judge being merciful.
• Think of someone you know, and imagine the good things you desire for them. 
• Do a random act of kindness, such as buying the coffee for the next person in line.
• Do an act of charity. Or, if you are spiraling out at night, begin to plan a charitable activity. 
• Read something that makes you feel uplifted. 

You've got this!

Second Touchstone of Strengths-focused Coaching: focusing on strengths.

In this short video clip Marcus Buckingham begins to make his case for focusing on strengths. He says that research reveals that 77% of children who bring home a report card with an A and an F grade will receive more attention for failing than for succeeding. In longer sound bites, you can hear him follow up that point with statistics showing that over the course of their lives, the same children will improve more in the area where they received the A than they will improve in the area where they received the F. Let me restate that point. Your potential for growth in your life is in the area of your strengths. Focusing on improving your weaknesses will be frustrating, and bring less growth. Focusing on your strengths will be intrinsically rewarding, and will maximize your growth.

Strengths-focused coaching helps people replace "fix what is wrong" thinking with "maximize what is right" thinking. Strengths inventories like the free VIA are available online, and can help anyone begin to shift their focus. The most transformative way to focus on strengths, however, is to find your own words to describe your own strengths. Strengths-focused coaching guides you to notice your positive experiences, and to articulate the strengths you were using during those moments. By taking the reins of our minds, by choosing and creating our own thoughts, we can transform ourselves. We can overcome the negativity bias that 77% of us were raised with.

Cambridge educated and Gallup poll supported, in some ways Buckingham argues more persuasively for a strengths focus than I ever could. Meanwhile my background in superconscious meditation and Yoga deepen and enhance my appreciation for the usefulness of his message. In my previous blog entry I connected the first touchstone of strengths-focused coaching, noticing when your mood lifts, with the Vedic concept of a satvic, a peaceful and uplifted, mental state. The second touchstone of strengths-focused coaching connects to the value of service. Focusing on our strengths gives us the feeling that we may be of use. That is one of the most inherently satisfying feelings a person can cultivate.

A Touchstone of Strengths-focused Coaching: noticing when your mood lifts

There are two touchstones of strengths-focused coaching. These touchstones help you achieve your goals and realize your life purpose. This blog post is about the first touchstone, noticing when your mood lifts.

Giving importance to how you feel will naturally result in your making better choices. In the long run, it can guide you from the roller coaster of short-lived pleasures to a reliable feeling of well-being that is independent of external circumstances.

How You Feel Matters

Consider the following example. Ray has nightmares when he watches horror movies. He enjoys joining his friends in something they like. He even enjoys the attention he gets as his friends rib him about being afraid. However, his pleasures are shallow and short-lived compared to the price he pays in nightmares. After Ray watches a horror movie, the images from the movie tend to revisit Ray, and make him uncomfortable for days. His negative feelings are more keenly felt, and last much longer than his positive feelings. Giving real importance to how he feels would guide Ray to say no to horror movies. Until he gives importance to how he feels, he will continue to make his choices based on what other people think, feel, and do, as well as on his habit patterns, and on short-term pleasurable feelings.

In the language of Yoga Meditation, saying no to watching a horror movie would be a satvic choice for Ray. Satvic choices result in peaceful or uplifted feelings. Satvic choices are informed by our innate knowledge of what is right and wrong for us. Strengths-focused coaching helps clients make choices that pay off in good feelings that are reliable and lasting. 

Noticing When Your Mood Lifts

At Ray's house, every one over the age of 13 cooks dinner for the family one night per week. Ray enjoys cooking. He is really good at combining flavors, and can improve on many recipes. Of all the people in his family, Ray is the one who likes cooking the most. He has always been the best at it, and every year, since he was 13, he has been improving. When he is cooking, Ray feels happy.

Being an average and ordinary person, however, Ray does not give a lot of importance to the uptick in his mood. Sure, he likes to feel good. But like most people, he assigns greater significance to feelings that he associates with problems. On a day when he enjoys cooking, he might still end the day focused on a disappointing grade at school, or a conflict with a peer. Strengths-focused coaching helps clients shift their attention to what is going well. Paying more attention to our positive experiences pays exponential dividends in our sense of well being. It gives us the courage of our convictions, and helps us present ourselves to others in a confident, positive way.

A strengths-focused coach would support Ray in valuing his positive experiences with cooking. Maybe Ray would contribute an amazing dip to the next horror movie night, but skip the movie. After he gave importance to how he feels, it would be difficult to persuade Ray that he was making the wrong choices. 

Strengths-focused Relating

Strengths-focused relating is intentional and structured. After reading this blog post, you will be able to give it a try. The intention of strengths-focused relating is for two people to commit a period of time to focus on each other's positive experiences and positive qualities, or strengths.

Strengths-focused relating can be practiced between intimate partners, any two family members, two friends, two co-workers, or two acquaintances who have made an investment in exploring the different modalities of Strengths-focused Living.

People might try strengths-focused relating as an intervention in a relationship in which there is unwanted negativity. Then again, they might try strengths-focused relating for the simple pleasure of intentionally holding a positive focus in a valued relationship. There is joy in thinking about and sharing positive experiences and articulating our own and each other's strengths.

The formal structure of strengths-focused relating is important in building a strengths-focused relationship. Follow the provided structure for a minimum of 6 months before introducing your own variations. This structure is carefully thought out. There may be benefits that are not immediately clear to you that unfold over time. For example, it may feel vulnerable to say out loud what you are good at. This structure has no room whatsoever for a critical response. It is 100% safe.

Set aside 40 minutes, once a week, for four weeks to meet with your strengths-focused relating partner. That is the minimum investment that will be effective. That is enough time to determine whether this practice is valuable to you. Then, you may decide with your partner to continue your meetings.

You can meet by phone, through a computer program such as Skype, or in person. Make sure the time and place for your meetings is clear. It is best to meet at the same time and in the same place for each of your first four meetings.

Before your meeting, prepare to share a positive experience with your partner. The experience can be a recent one, or any positive experience from your life. A positive experience is any event which causes your mood to lift. Also, reflect on the positive qualities, or strengths, in your personality that you were using during this positive experience. Be ready to tell your partner some of the positive qualities you noticed in yourself. Not every positive experience will work. For example, it may be a positive experience to eat a lovely meal, but this positive experience may not be one in which you are using your strengths. All the same, if you were particularly good at savoring a brussel sprout, were very grateful to the host, or made a brave decision to skip desert.... Only you know when you are using your strengths.

Please do not be surprised if this preparatory work is not easy. Many of us are more accustomed to noticing and sharing what is not working than what is working. We may be more used to noticing our weaknesses than our strengths. That is precisely why it is useful to practice relating in a strengths-focused way. As you move through the four introductory weeks, it will definitely get easier.

You will listen in a special way during your practice sessions. The listener has a very important job! You might call it extreme listening. Your job when listening is to keep your attention on the words and tone of your partner. You will demonstrate that you heard your partner by saying back what you heard. You will use a combination of mirroring, or using the exact words your partner used, and paraphrasing, or putting what you heard into your own words. Listening this attentively requires us to set aside many of the habits of everyday listening. For example, we set aside reflecting on whether we agree or disagree with what our partner is saying. We also set aside rehearsing what we are going to say when it is our turn to speak. We set aside evaluations, thoughts of whether what is being said is good or bad, and reflecting on similar experiences of our own. We set aside competitive thoughts, such as whether we have as good an experience to share. Whenever the mind wanders, we bring it back to the sound of our partner's voice, and the words our partner is saying.

On the day of your meeting, bring a watch, a smart phone app, an egg timer, or some other means to keep track of the time. Bring a print out or a digital version of these instructions. Arrive on time for your meeting. Show your respect for your partner's time, and for the process you are undertaking together. Each minute is accounted for, as you will see below. If you want to have some social time, schedule that for before or after your strengths-focused relating practice time.

Decide who will share first.

Follow this 20 minute process for each partner.

5 minutes: Tell your partner the story of a positive experience.
3 minutes: Your partner will reflect your positive experience back to you. Your partner will show that they listened attentively by using some of your own words, and paraphrasing others. They will not embellish on what you said with their own comments.
2 minutes: Elaborate on what your partner mirrored. Draw attention to the most important points and share additional details.
3 minutes: Share the positive qualities you were using during this experience. Take your time, and express yourself in a way that is personal and specific. Your partner can help you by asking for more information. For example, if you say "I was smart." Your partner may say something like, "Tell me more about being smart. What were you doing at that time?" Be as clear as you can in saying what your strengths are. Tell your partner what you are good at, and what your positive qualities are as you experienced them during this positive event.
1 minute: Your partner will reflect your strengths back to you using your words.
2 minutes: Clarify or embellish your ideas about your strengths and how you showed them. Invite collaboration from your partner only if you want it. Allow time for silent reflection as you reach deeply to express yourself clearly.
1 minute: Your partner will suggest a strength that they noticed as you spoke. They may mention a strength you have not mentioned, or underscore one that really stood out for them. They will give evidence of the strength from the story you told. "When you _____, it showed that you ________."
1 minute: Take time to consider the strength your partner shared. Decide whether this is a strength you feel within you. If so, put it into your own words.
2 minutes:  Celebrate! Acknowledge that you have followed through on your commitment. Share your feelings. You may ask your partner to share their informal thoughts about your story if you wish, but that is not necessary.

Learn more about strengths-focused relationships at Jerald Forster's website www.strengths-focused-relationships.org

Krishnamurti - Who am I?

Personal Reflections on Mantra Meditation and Learning to Be Happy

Early in the process of learning mantra meditation--a practice in which the mind focuses internally on a special syllable, word, or phrase--I was taught that the meaning of my mantra would evolve with practice. This turned out to be true. At first, I was told very little about the mantra. I was told that the sanskrit word could be translated as beauty. I was encouraged to pursue the mantra's meaning in every way I could think of. I had a lot of fun googling my mantra on the internet. Seeing the word in different contexts added to its meaning. I found my mantra translated in different ways, other than beauty. I looked for the word in esoteric texts in the yoga, vedanta, and tantra sections of woo-woo bookstores. I learned that my mantra was held in high regard by master meditators. My intellectual understanding of the mantra grew. My respect for the mantra grew.

At the same time, I was focusing my mind on the mantra both during daily life--this is sometimes called japa--and during meditation practice. Many associations to the mantra came about through these practices. I recited the mantra when my mind was burdened, and the mantra had a focusing and calming effect. It was there like a friend, whenever I was in need. I listened for the mantra in meditation, and the mantra guided my scattered thoughts to an apprehension of peace and joy. The meaning of the mantra became very personal and rich. Today, the mantra sounds like a righteous sword unsheathing. I can feel it ringing in the depths of my whole being.  Every experience and new understanding has added meaning to the mantra. This deep relationship to mantra is one example of what I mean by learning to be happy. Happy and meaningful associations have clustered around something I intentionally make a central focus of my life.

This layering of meaning has taken place with other practices, too. It happened when I took up the practice of making gratitude lists. My first gratitude list was short, maybe two things, and I wasn't sure I meant it. My mind seemed eager to qualify my gratitude. The practice felt mechanical and shallow. I judged the practice to be inauthentic. Shouldn't gratitude just take a person over in the moment?  I stuck with it, anyway. One day I was doing an alphabetical gratitude list, internally. I had already done this a lot of times. A: I am grateful for air to breathe. B: I like butterflies. C: I am grateful for my cat. And I was kind of struck, all of a sudden. You know, I thought to myself, I really am grateful to my cat. She has given up every pleasure of natural catdom upon my whim to have a kitty. She has no cat friends, has had no babies, has spent her whole life in a little apartment, is always happy to see me. Hmmmm. You know what? I think I am really grateful for that cat. I just adore that cat! The gratitude felt good, and it felt true. The practice transformed as I realized that I am capable of real gratitude, and my appreciation of myself grew. I went back to A, and really felt grateful for the air that sustains my life. B: butterflies are really delightful, and I am truly grateful. The gratitude practice remained resonant and meaningful for me. Learning to focus my attention on the gratitude I already felt for my cat made me happier. Sometimes the gratitude wells up in me. However, I still find it very useful to direct my own thoughts toward gratitude intentionally.

When I was in high school, about 35 years ago, my stepfather, Jerald Forster, seemingly out of the blue, requested for his birthday one year that everyone at his party tell him something that we appreciate about him. In the language of strengths-focused coaching, he asked us to articulate his strengths. He also insisted that everyone give full attention to what each person said. This may have been my first exposure to being intentionally positive. I did not like it! My family was kind of witty and sarcastic. We tended to bond through excluding others, while maintaining a self-deprecating humor. We were funny and glib. It seemed to violate more than one cultural taboo to ask people to say something nice to you. So, we dealt with our discomfort by making fun of my stepfather. We said his stupid happy gene had run amok. (Why stupid and happy go together.... It makes no sense.) All the same, we did the exercise. We did it year after year, teasing him all the way, and as the years went by, he suggested we do it on the birthdays of other family members, too. Today, his grandchildren expect this to happen at their birthday parties. They look forward to hearing what each family member appreciates about them, and the practice evolved to include the birthday person restating the positive qualities they resonated with, and adding some of the qualities they appreciate in themselves. Through regular practice, and tolerating being laughed at, my stepfather changed the culture of my family. Finding the courage to break the taboos that kept me from experiencing and expressing respect and admiration in my relationships has made me a much happier person. It has made the people I relate to happier, too!

Click on the quotation below to read another reflection on learned happiness, this one courtesy of "the happiest man in the world."
“Our life can be greatly transformed by even a minimal change in how we manage our thoughts and perceive and interpret the world. Happiness is a skill. It requires effort and time.”

Strengths-focused Attending

Sometimes in life, we feel less wonderful than we might like. At those times, something inside may whisper to you that it is reasonable to expect to feel better. That is your own wisdom speaking to you. It is reasonable to expect to feel better. But how? The purpose of strengths-focused attending is to have a simple and practical way to reliably move in the direction of feeling better.

At times when we are feeling less than wonderful, we might feel like the cards are not stacked in our favor, there is no time for what we care about, we are not measuring up to the expectations of others, or some variation on such themes. If you happen to notice such feelings inside of you, well done! You are already doing the "attending." That is where it all begins.

Our experience of life is created from what we pay attention to. Our attention can move very quickly from one thing to the next. However, it is truly only possible to attend to, or focus on, one thing at a time. We pay attention to things outside of us, such as sunsets; feeling states inside of us, such as enjoyment; and thoughts, such as, "That is an awesome sunset. I wish I had my camera." While it may be enjoyable to pay attention to a sunset, there are also times when we may focus on feelings that are not enjoyable, such as feeling inadequate or anxious, for example.

We always have a choice about what to focus on, but do we exercise that choice? With some practice, you can create a habit of choosing what to focus on, instead of paying attention in a habitual way, to the same old things, feelings, and thoughts. There are different opinions about the best choice of what to pay attention to. Your own strengths is one good choice you can make. Strengths-focused attending is making a choice to focus and reflect on your own strengths, and the strengths of others. You can make a positive difference in how you feel by focusing on strengths.

So, what exactly is a "strength?" And how do you know when you are using one?  We are not talking about going to the gym, and how much you can bench press. Marcus Buckingham has clarified that strengths are not always the same as things-we-are-good-at. Things-we-are-good-at can sometimes be exhausting, or leave us feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. On the other hand, strengths are personal qualities that cause positive feelings in us when we are using them, and after using them, too. When we use our strengths, we feel satisfied, perhaps even proud, and energized afterward.

So, learn from how you are feeling. Get really interested in your feeling states, and focus attention on those moments when you feel a little better, even if you don't feel totally wonderful. Try to notice two kinds of feeling-a-little-better: 1. feeling better for reasons that are outside of you, and 2. feeling better for reasons that are inside of you. When you are feeling better for reasons inside yourself, that is a clue that you are using one or more of your strengths.

Ask yourself, "What positive qualities do I see in myself at this time?" Here, you are shifting your focus to your strengths. Are you solving some problem? Are you being intuitive? Are you enjoying nature? These are all strengths! Are you being empathic? or focused? or creative? or dependable? All strengths! There is no end to the variety of strengths humans can express. Take your time finding words to articulate your strengths. Take time to reflect on positive experiences you have had in the past. Some of your best experiences will point to positive qualities in your character.

When you pay attention to your strengths, you will begin to see them more readily. You will find more opportunities to use your strengths in the future. And those positive feelings that pointed you in the direction of your strengths will be felt again as you use your strengths.

It's a simple process. Pay attention to how you feel, or reflect on times when you felt good in the past. Look for positive qualities, or strengths, that are or were part of your positive experience. Keep paying attention to positive experiences and positive qualities... and they will grow. Attention is to experience as water is to a plant. The experiences that we pay attention to grow. They multiply. That is why choosing to pay attention to strengths is a reliable way to move in the direction of feeling better.