Victim of Circumstances? There is a fix for that.

Every Moment Is an Opportunity to Choose Your Action

by Jennifer Rose & Better Existence | January 21, 2015

In a strengths-focused coaching meeting you will be asked to identify good experiences and positive moments. After you identify a good experience from the story of your life, or a positive moment that you noticed one day, you will be asked, What did you do that brought that about? (You can read the rationale for focusing on strengths in last week's blog post.) 

Identifying what you already do that brings about positive moments in your life and adds good experiences to your life story is a powerful tool that transforms the notion that we are victims of circumstances. 

Passivity is a Deeply Ingrained Idea

It takes repeated practice to transform the idea that our circumstances or environment dictate our experience of who we are. Oft repeated identities, such as "I am Chloe and Henry's daughter," "I am a Hudson (family identifications), "I am a Christian" (born into a religious or cultural identity) "I am an American," or "I am a survivor of a traumatic childhood," seem to tell us who we are in very real ways. However, for some people, these identifications become burdensome. 

When identifications become painful, when they do not serve us well, we can detach from our passive acceptance of mainstream ways of self-identification. We can forge our own path. It is a renegade move. It shatters the mold. But it really is not all that difficult. 

Two Ways to Feel Good

A lot of times we are on a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. When we look for positive moments in our lives, we notice two kinds. If we ride the roller coaster, we identify with the highs and lows. Now I am happy. Now I am sad. Things went well for me. Nothing is going my way. One way to feel great is to be on that roller coaster and have things go your way, to get what you want, to experience the highs. There is nothing wrong with being happy when your team wins. Or when your spouse smiles and tells you you are great. Or when they like your post on Facebook. But over-investing in this type of feeling great does not empower us. Even when we are on the high, we are still victims of circumstances.

It is more useful to gain insight into the actions we take that result in good experiences and positive moments. This is empowering because we can repeat these actions. We step out of our habit patterns when we choose our actions. We are empowered to improve the quality of our lives when we choose actions that have our preferred outcomes. No one needs to tell us what outcomes are good for us. Whether we want to feel peaceful, purposeful, blissful, or some other feeling is our own business. We can observe our own lives, our own feelings, and come up with our own answers. 

Having a strengths-focused coach can help. A strengths-focused coach will always hand you your power. 

To Surrender or to Act? 

To put it simply: surrender after you act. 

When we look for the outcomes of our actions, we again hand our power over to the environment or circumstances outside ourselves. Instead, retain your power. Refocus on the new moment, the new opportunity to choose an action. This is not to suggest that you should avoid feeling the sense of peace, purpose, bliss, or whatever else may flow from skillful action. Just do not allow that to become victimhood to the highs and lows of roller coaster living.

Karma

If you do not recognize the principle of karma here, it is because the meaning of karma has been turned inside out. Popular notions of "good karma" and "bad karma" have everything to do with the payback one expects from the environment for "good" or "bad" deeds. That is just the opposite of what is useful. To take responsibility, to become the architect of our lives, as great Yoga teachers like Swami Rama suggest, we need to shift our focus from the external results to the internal causes. Choosing useful actions in each moment is masterful application of the principle of karma. 

Responsibility

Victor Frankl, the author of Man's Search for Meaning suggested that a Statue of Responsibility be built on the West Coast of the United States to balance the Statue of Liberty on the east coast. He did not suggest that the Statue of Liberty be removed, rather he recognized the connection between responsible, skillful action and thinking, and feeling unburdened from external conditions. Frankl achieved this insight when he was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. I try to remember this when I am tempted to hand over control of my feeling state to "circumstances beyond my control." 

It Is a New Skill 

Be patient with yourself as you develop a new sense of yourself. Ask for help, if you need it. It all starts; it all ends with ATTENTION. Notice when you feel good or positive. Reflect on what you are proud of or satisfied with in your life. Notice what has worked. Learn from it. Build on it. 

Okay. Go. 

I am a meditation teacher and a strengths-focused coach.  Get an introduction to meditation from my beautiful 2-Minutes to Meditate cards. They are perfect for people with busy lives, and will help you establish a daily practice that you can then build on. Each card has my contact information in case you have questions.

Why Focus on Strengths?

A Subjective Appreciation of Our Best Attributes Creates a Stable Foundation for Our Evolution

by Jennifer Rose & Better Existence | January 14, 2015

Sometimes survival, whether it is physical survival or the survival of our sense of being an okay person, pits us against others. Often it pits us against those with whom we are the most intimate. This survival struggle can leave us feeling isolated and lonely. In many, if not all of us, there is a longing to overcome this isolation. 

Name and fame do not bring happiness

How can we overcome the isolation inherent in natural competition? The most obvious thing to try is to achieve recognition from others, power over others, wealth, or some other kind of so-called success. It looks like that is working for others, when looking from the outside. However, just like Siddhartha, we eventually must encounter old age, illness, and death.  

Survival is not always a great investment

It is a grim thought, but "survival" may not be a great investment. Competition that pits us against others as we shore up defenses against inescapable fears makes us more isolated and alone. After establishing a healthy identity that helps us function in the world, it is possible to continue to grow. The next stage of development that a fortunate few undertake is to become strong and adaptable in the face of changing circumstances. Everything that is born will die. We are afloat on a sea of change. 

We need to learn to trust ourselves

The stability that will help us establish this adaptability will never be found in the shifting, diverse, and often contradictory values and opinions of other people or institutions no matter how highly esteemed. We find that strength and versatility only when we value our own subjective experience. We need to learn to trust ourselves. We need to do experiments to learn about ourselves. 

Learning about our strengths changes how we perceive the world around us

Over the years we have internalized the opinions others hold of us. Especially in childhood we internalize the opinions of our family members. We need to make our way deep into the heart of our own knowing. It is essential. The opinions we hold of ourselves shape how we perceive the world around us. Being strengths-focused makes the world friendlier and more supportive because we perceive the world differently based on our opinion of who we are. 

Doing our best with the strengths we have helps us find satisfaction in life

Being strengths-focused helps people to be resilient in the face of all kinds of change. We find we can flow from one role to the next like a masterful actor enjoying the playing of each part. We can rise above the pain of conflicting desires within us. For example, a man who is both a father and an employee might have conflicting desires to spend more time with his children and spend more time on an important project at work. We find that each moment, each life experience, holds its own satisfaction when we do our best, focusing on our strengths. 

We are equipped to find our own truth

We all have the capacity to turn our attention to our own core. We can all notice times when we feel deeply gratified, when we feel aligned with our own sense of meaning and purpose. Taking the time to do this is indispensable on our journey to evolve into a resilient sense of self. A resilient sense of self is beyond an identity based on a career or lifestyle, or an identity that depends on relationships. 

We develop empathy and enjoy life's adventure

Stabilized in our own strengths, we are free to empathize with others instead of competing with them. We can embrace changing circumstances as opportunities to learn more of the myriad possibilities within human life. We become more adventurous when confronted with the unknown, secure in our enjoyment of relating to ourselves. 

"Wherever I go, there I am." Have you heard that one? When I first heard that I thought I was being scolded. My bad habits were following me everywhere. With a strengths focus I feel that wherever I go I am in good company. 

These are reflections related to a book I am currently writing with my stepfather, Jerald Forster, Phd. on the subject of having a strengths focus 

A mantra can be a wonderful way to build self-reliance. We will talk about mantra on February 4th as part of the Conversations With Walking Yogi Nishit Patel monthly series of teleconferences. You can subscribe for the Conversations here: Better Existence Events. 

Letting Go. A Little Dab'll Do Ya

Start Letting Go of Small, Painful Things, and Pay Attention

by Jennifer Rose & Better Existence | December 10, 2014

I love talking to people about meditation and living a meditative lifestyle. Often, those conversations are about letting go. 

Sometimes I talk to people and they tell me that letting go is just too hard, and that they can't do it. I usually say something like, "That's fine then. Don't worry about it." 

I know they are worried because they want to get the benefits of meditation. They have invested a lot of time and attention, and they might be thinking, well, if I don't get it about this "letting go" thing, maybe I will miss out on Peace of Mind or something else abstract but cool sounding. 

I don't worry about them at that point, because this is just the beginning of the conversation, and I have done this before. We talk more, and somehow it comes out that they are thinking of letting go of something HUGE, such as a cherished identity like being a drummer, or an intimate relationship such as loving their children, or something that is part of the social contract like having money. They talk about letting go of something that is pleasing for them or something that helps them get along in life. "Don't let go. Don't worry about it." I say. I reassure them that they can still be an awesome meditator.

"Arise" by Jennifer Rose

At that point, I try to steer the conversation to something small that they could let go of. I might say something like, "Are there any small things you could let go of? Things that don't make you feel good, or even make you feel bad? For example, do you have a pair of socks with holes in them that you never wear, but keep in your drawer because your grandparents were raised during the depression and never got new socks? Do you have something that you would be better off without? Why not start with that? I have never met a person who couldn't think of something they had that they didn't really want or need. 

We talk about getting rid of those holey socks. And it turns out that those socks might be pretty difficult to let go of. The rational mind may be ready to let go of the socks, but something else is holding on. I don't tell them to get rid of the socks. I ask them whether they think they might be able to mindfully move in the direction of letting go of the socks. I tell them I want them to notice every single feeling and thought that arises around letting go of those socks. I tell them to study and learn as much as they can about letting go from those socks. 

They leave the conversation challenged, courageous, excited. "Maybe I can let go," they think. 

I love talking to people about meditation. Everything about it has a natural evolution. Letting go of some unused socks can become a profound understanding of attachment. It can lead to useful insights into the nature of attachment and identity. We let go of socks, and we get interested in the process. We move onto the baking dish that is perfectly good, but hasn't been used in fifteen years. We find ourselves giving more thought to acquiring things, and whether they will bring pleasure or pain. Paying attention to the nature of our own attachments can show us our unique path to ease and freedom. 

"Letting Go" is one of the images on the 2-Minute Practice Cards which introduce the chakras. They are available in the Better Existence Etsy store in physical and digital formats. 

Aches? Pains? Miseries? Meditation can help.

Physical, Emotional, and Mental Pains Can Be Lessened

by Jennifer Rose & Better Existence | November 20, 2014

Meditation is a peaceful, alert state of consciousness that results from practicing a series of increasingly subtle skills. Researchers today are studying the effects of this ancient practice and finding evidence that meditation lowers stress, improves physical and emotional health, increases focus, and even increases feelings of love. 

How long does your mind typically stay with one thought before it moves on to something new? Having a one-pointed mind is one of the subtle skills you develop as you learn to meditate. 

The Yoga Sutras compiled by Patanjali around 400 CE say that a one-pointed mind resolves life's physical, emotional and mental suffering. 

"A Safe Place" by Jennifer Rose

There are physical and breathing exercises that bring about inner states of relaxation and alertness. These states are conducive to cultivating focus. The mastery of these states has been systematized and articulated so that anyone can learn to make their mind one-pointed.

Even before you are properly meditating, realizations come from these practices that empower you. For example, you may notice that deep, diaphragmatic breathing can make you feel calmer. 

Meditation, as I teach and practice it, is secular and can be practiced by people from all walks of life. 

2-Minute Meditation Cards present the practices of ancient India as taught by Swami Rama, and introduce some of the current research to inspire you and give you confidence. 

Each of the 9 cards has a beautiful, soothing image on the front. On the back, the cards guide you in developing skills that will establish a meditation practice that you can rely on for the rest of your life. Step by step and one by one the cards guide you to work with your body, your breath, and then your mind to obtain a state of relaxation, ease, and mental focus. 

If you have been considering starting a meditation practice, but somehow haven't gotten started, these cards provide tangible support. If you have a meditation practice that has lapsed, these cards can be reminders and companions that bring you back to your practice. 

If you need more support, schedule a consultation. I have been teaching meditation and yoga for 15 years. 646-831-2675

If you wish to schedule 4 sessions during December--whether you are a beginner, or need support to reach your next goal, I will send you the cards as a thank you gift.

Learn to meditate. Be supported. 

Better Existence. BE

9 Words That Will Come to Your Aid in Times of Need

Interesting. What is the Best That I Can Do?

by Jennifer Rose & Better Existence | October 23, 2014

For everything that plagues you, from dealing with a bad boss to coming to terms with a painful loss, these 9 words: Interesting. What is the best that I can do? will guide you. 

Interesting.

Say this word, and you engage the mind. You engage intellectual curiosity. You are lifted above disorienting emotions. The tone with which you say it makes a difference. Sincerity counts. Here, Spock provides a tutorial, using his touchstone, "fascinating."

For my generation, Spock is an icon of the intellect. When my yoga teacher, Nishit Patel, says, "interesting," his tone is lighter and more playful than Spock's tone. You will find a tone that works for you. Experiment a bit, and see what feels good. 

What is the best that I can do?

This question works on many levels. It inspires effort. It engages the mind to sort through options. It reassures that the best will be good enough. Perfection is not human. Sometimes the best that we can do is mourn. Whenever we do our best, we are engaged in an act of human dignity. 

This question is asked internally. Who asks? Who answers? We all have within us a compass that points toward what is right for us. This question engages that compass. 

Credit Where Credit Is Due

Nishit Patel coined, and has repeatedly advised the use of this phrase. It came up most recently during the first Conversation With Walking Yogi Nishit Patel. You can subscribe to future conversations. The next one is November 5th at 7pm New York time, and the topic will be "Life Altering Changes." You can also purchase recorded conversations after they occur. If you friend him on Facebook, his status updates are simple, practical reflections on yoga philosophy. 

These 9 words are also at the heart of Strength-focused coaching, as I have learned it from Jerald Forster. My stepdad is constantly showing me that being interested in whatever life dishes out and doing one's best can bring about the best possible outcomes emotionally and mentally, and even physically. The happiest man I know is fighting to be a two-time cancer survivor, and I hold him with a prayer in my heart. Right now that is the best I can do. 

I am not always glad when life is interesting, but being interested, and alert to my strengths always helps. 

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Better Existence was founded to help people achieve their goals. Whether you want to improve a relationship, complete a novel, start a meditation practice, or another goal, Better Existence is here to help. Take your next step with caring support. 

Do You Wake Up and Have Trouble Going Back to Sleep? This Pose Could Be The Fix

Reclining Buddha Is Trying to Help You Rest

by Jennifer Rose & Better Existence | September 29, 2014

Beautiful. Yes. Exotic. If you are a 24-year-old American girl, yes. The first time I traveled to Thailand and visited Wat Po, that is what I saw: a beautiful, exotic, enormous statue. That was half a lifetime ago. 

Today I see compassionate instruction. Perhaps we are not meant just to ogle this pose; we are meant to assume it, to see what the effects are. Perhaps its enormous size, more than 141 feet long, nearly half a football field, is an exclamation point on its meaning. This is a powerful pose. 

This pose healed my lifelong insomnia and terrible night anxiety. There must be someone else out there that it can help. I hope you will give it a try. 

How to Do the Pose

Notice these most important points about the position of the Reclining Buddha:

• He is lying on his right side.
• His platform is elevated under his right armpit.
• He is supporting his head.

Here is a photograph of the position I learned in yoga class with Nishit Patel, Vishnu Asana. This is the position I rest in when I wake up in the middle of the night and want to go back to sleep. 

• My left knee is bent, creating stability in the pose.
• My left elbow is bent, also for stability. 
• I am using a pillow to apply gentle pressure under my right armpit.

This pose changed my life. It gave me control over restlessness and nighttime anxiousness. If you are interested in understanding why it works, I can tell you, but try it first, and tell me what you experience. 

Use this pose to drift off to sleep, perhaps reading something calming to end the day, or use it to attain a calm state of mind if you wake up in the middle of the night. If you wake up anxious at 4am you are just like me. Lying in this pose might make as much of a difference in your life as it has in mine. 

If your right arm starts falling asleep, it is fine to move it.

If you do not find peace lying on your right side after twelve minutes or so, try lying on your left side in the same pose. I know 1 person who is more soothed on the left side than on the right side. 

I hope this helps you find relief. 

2-Minute Practice Cards: 2-Minute Bedtime Practices -- Wake Up Happy

Let's Talk About Discipline

Why Didn't Eknath Eat the Nut?

by Jennifer Rose & Better Existence | September 8, 2014

Does the word "discipline" leave you cold? Does it bring to mind a sadistic drill sergeant? Does it reek of the exact opposite of what you want to cultivate in your life?  

Have you ever asked yourself, "Why is discipline being touted as a virtue, when it is the epitome of icky, repellent, mindless, slavish following?" 

Has this question nagged you, as you have read the likes of St. Teresa of Avila almost weeping off the page with entreaty to apply oneself in a disciplined way to, in her case, prayer?

Maybe you tell yourself, "Well, it's fine for saints, but a mere mortal, I . . ." 

The Ancient Toltec wisdom in don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom includes the equally impassioned entreaty, "Always do your best." 

What is the connection between discipline and personal freedom? 

The connection is simple but profound. 

There is a memorable scene in Eknath Easwaran's Passage Meditation: Bringing the Deep Wisdom of the Heart into Daily LIfe in which he describes being at someone's home and sitting near a bowl of cashews. He made up his mind to skip the cashews. However, he observed his hand, seeming almost independent, wandering toward the nut bowl again, and again, and again. Each time, he pulled his hand back. Because he had made up his mind, he brought that hand back empty again and again.

"Just eat the damn nut!" readers like me rail, "It's not like it's an entire pie." (There was this woman. She was in the hospital. In the night, she walked to the nurses' break room, went into the refrigerator, and ate the lemon meringue pie they had purchased for a party the next day. The whole pie. It wasn't like that.)  

Why didn't Eknath eat the nut?

Discpline can be doing something, such as prayer, a way of doing something, "your best," or not doing something, like eat the nut. 

Now ask yourself, if you make up your mind to ____________ (eat fewer calories, get up earlier, exercise regularly, save a few dollars each month, smile at the kids every day, stop using heroin) and at the critical moment you "do whatever you want to," you EAT THE NUT so to speak, are you free?

Have you ever felt like a slave to a habit?

Join the teleconference Conversations With Walking Yogi Nishit Patel before October 1st, when the topic will be Discipline. 

Nishit Patel, (who is great to friend on Facebook, because he is giving away the store every day with wise posts straight from the heart) tells a story about a Yogi Saint, Swami Ramtirth, who had a devotee who brought an apple each day at the same time. Until one day that devotee did not bring the apple! This Yogi Saint noticed that the absence of the expected apple created a mental disturbance. . . . He never ate another apple. 

This story demonstrates a premium placed on freedom from habits. It demonstrates the awesome power that habits have to disturb our minds, and the urgency to invest in conscious thought and action. 

Swami Sivananda of Gangotri to Bhole from 'At the Eleventh Hour' by Rajmani Tigunait (page 95): 

. . . discipline becomes torture if you do not understand its value and if you are not motivated to help yourself. It is self-motivation that prepares the ground for self-commitment. Only then do you enjoy the disciplines you undertake. Such discipline is called austerity. If you don't enjoy it, it is torture. 

 Join us in meaningful conversation on this topic and many more: Conversations With Walking Yogi Nishit Patel  the first Wednesday of every month.